A friend of a friend of a friend is a swinger, or so you think according to the rumour mill. You may be right – alternative lifestyles such as swinging have become more and more common and I wouldn’t be surprised if several people on your social media pages and even in your close friend or family circles have explored ethical non-monogamy at some point. Although discretion plays such a big part in the ‘Lifestyle’ so you may never know unless you take the plunge and try it for yourselves – and even then, you may never know for sure.
What is Swinging?
Swinging or the ‘Lifestyle’ as it is sometimes called in the United States, is the practice of choosing to have sex with more than just your partner, and most importantly with your partner’s knowledge, blessing and sometimes their participation. Because, let’s face it – without that, you’re just cheating.
There are many types of swinging and what you may decide is right for you, may not necessarily work for other couples. For example, there are varying degrees of swinging, based primarily on established rules between the partners in the relationship. For example, some couples may only have sex or ‘play’ with other couples. Perhaps they never entertain the idea of participating in a sexual encounter without their partner present. However other couples may decide that ‘playing separately’ works best for them. Here’s a brief guide into the different defined types of swinger, however it’s not an exhaustive list as new types and descriptions are coming about all the time. These are the main terms you may encounter while exploring, and it might help you and your partner decide on your own boundaries if you make the decision to explore the lifestyle.
- Newbies: People who are new to swinging. This tends to be a self descriptor and there are no hard and fast rules as to when people drop this description of themselves, but it tends to fall away after enough time and comfort navigating the swinging scene develops.
- Vanilla: A term attributed to non-swingers or non-swinging type situations.
- Unicorn: A single female (interestingly, there’s no fancy name for a single guy in the lifestyle, they’re just called ‘single guys.’ Perhaps we should come up with one!)
- Voyeurs: Typically this is a term to describe people who enjoy watching others have sex, but within the lifestyle it has transitioned slightly to also include people who enjoy being watched while having sex.
- Soft Swap: Couples who engage in foreplay with others (up to and including oral sex), however no penetrative intercorse takes place with anyone except their own partner.
- Full Swap: Couples who have sex with other people. This can also be further defined by ‘Same Room’ or ‘Separate Room’ full swap.
- Same Room Full Swap: Intercourse with others takes place in the same room their partner is in, presumably also partaking in a full swap with another person.
- Play Separately: Intercourse with others that can take place outside of the eyesight of their partner with their full comfort and consent.
- Cuckhold: The male in the relationship watches their partner engage in sexual activity with others without participating.
- Poly or Polyamorous: People who have loving relationships with more than one person.
All of the above include the space for couples to develop their own rules and boundaries within them. For example, one couple may not be comfortable with kissing, whereas they are fine with penetrative sex. As such, it is always best for open communication to occur before any interaction takes place with others. The best experiences are when everyone is comfortable and operating inside the bounds – so if ever in question, ask!
Will Swinging Save My Relationship?
The answer is most definitely a resounding NO.
If you are already experiencing issues within your marriage or relationship such as cheating, lack of communication, lack of trust, or even worse, physical or emotional abuse, now is certainly not the time to try and introduce swinging. You need to work on the core challenges (or get outside help – if it’s really severe!) in your relationship and not try anything like this as a ‘fix’. There is no room for jealousy or anger in the lifestyle and something like this could have disastrous effects on an already struggling relationship.
If however, you and your partner are in a happy, loving, trusting relationship then swinging may be right for you. That sounds somewhat counterintuitive, doesn’t it? Why would you want to introduce other sexual partners if you are already happy and satisfied? Well to be honest, because it is fun! And because it will move your already happy relationship into one with an even deeper level of trust and communication. There’s nothing better than being able to share everything with your partner. No secrets, no fear of judgement and having a ‘partner in crime’ with someone who knows the most intimate details of your thoughts and actions, there’s simply nothing better. For example, my spouse can share when he finds another woman attractive, and vice versa. There’s never a question as to what they’re thinking because when you can share on that level, you actually become closer. You know your partner better. Better than anyone. That level of intimacy is priceless beyond measure.
We’re Ready – Where Do We Start?
Fantasy is always the best place to start. Talk about what you want to try. Be open, be honest & be vulnerable. Your partner may not share in all of your desires and that’s ok. It is best if you identify these areas of potential discomfort upfront. This way you are better able to establish boundaries that you are comfortable with. and be sure to stick with them. They can always be adjusted as you’re both ready, but would caution not to ever make changes to your boundaries in the ‘heat of the moment’ or when alcohol might be involved, as it could cause some conflict after the fact.
Once you both have a pretty good idea of the sorts of things that turn you on or what you are willing to share with others, then you may be ready to start looking for potential partners. This can be done in many different ways. Some couples meet other lifestylers online, others go to local swinger clubs, some take vacations to risque locations, some people approach close ‘vanilla’ friends that they feel might be interested. It all depends on your individual preferences and circumstances. For example, do you have children at home? Then perhaps meeting someone online might not be for you, because what if you really ‘click’ and want to bring them home? Maybe a club with onesite play facilities works better for you.
Regardless of what you decide, I would recommend that you do create a profile on one of the swinger websites that services your area. This will help you see who may be in the area that shares the same preferences as you do. It will also give you information on clubs and parties happening near you. And once you do meet people in the lifestyle, it will help you keep in touch with those you want to. It’s a platform for flirting and sharing of posts or pictures you wouldn’t want your families to see on Facebook or Instagram. This profile does not need to include a face picture. Many people are extremely discreet and these sites accommodate for that. Some have options to have ‘private photos’ that you can grant access on a case by case basis to. Some will allow you to attach a private photo to messages. For example, maybe you’ve decided to meet another couple out for drinks at a local bar or pub just to see if you click. Well, you need to know what they look like – so it’s very common for people to share face shots before potential meets. It can be scary, but just remember – they are there for the same reason and will most likely be just as discreet as you are.
Are There Resources?
Below, you will find some of the sites and locations that I have had personal experience with. These are not an exhaustive list of sites to choose from, but they may get you started on your journey.
Websites
- www.kasidie.com – A site primarily focused on the western USA states.
- www.sls.com – A site broadly used across all of the USA.
- www.sdc.com – This site seems to be more East Coast USA based.
- www.adultfriendfinder.com – A site used across the USA.
- www.fabswingers.com – England, Ireland, Wales & Scotland.
Resorts/Travel
In terms of resorts or holidays, if you are interested in travelling and possibly finding play partners away from home. One of these resorts that is swinger friendly might be just what you’re looking for:
- www.hedonism.com – located in Negril, Jamaica. It’s an all-inclusive resort.
- www.desire-experience.com – With several locations and all-inclusive resorts in Mexico. They also feature cruises to Caribbean and European destinations.
- www.lamirageswingers.com – Self catering hotel complex in the Canary Islands, Spain.
- www.blisscruise.com – Swinger Cruises with full ship takeovers.
